Coping, Sort Of

I've entered into yet another string of bad days. The hallmarks of these days are always the same:
-my ability to think goes out the window
-patience runs thinner
-much less gets done
-appetite goes down - nausea goes up
-my mood becomes much darker as if feels like there is no end in sight

These spells do end - I know it in my head - but that does little to help me cope with all the emotional challenges it presents. Often times I find myself escaping into mindless Netflix shows from the semi-comfort of the couch. With the darkening drapes pulled, the sound and brightness turned way down on the TV, I can almost forget how miserable I feel.

Don't get me wrong, I still do get a couple things done on days like this. I'll do some light stretching, my relaxation practices and can even manage a load of laundry or other super light household chore. But mostly all I do is try to avoid focusing on the very squeaky wheel my body becomes. Perhaps there is a better way to actually cope. I just don't know what it is.

Have you found a more effective coping tool for these sorts of times?

Friday Surprise

Have you ever had a Kinder Egg? They are wonderful little gems. It is a hollow milk chocolate egg, with a lining of white chocolate. Inside the chocolate layers is a plastic egg and inside that is a toy. The chocolate is nothing special but the surprise toy inside is a real treasure.

Often these toys required some assembly and some even had moving parts. Once you put them together you were always surprised that a toy that size came out of the small plastic egg.

Over the years since I was first introduced to them they have delighted me. I always had some on hand for when I was having a particularly difficult day because I knew they would delight me.

Unfortunately, the FDA has banned these here in the US so it has been a few years since I've had one. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw the following, suspiciously similar product at the grocery store this week:

The Choco Treasure is the same size, the same concept, even has similar packaging with the multi-colored writing.

The execution is slightly different as the plastic egg slightly larger.

The toy in this particular egg was quite disappointing - a sheet of stickers - not exactly bringing a smile to my face. I'll buy a few more with the hopes that the toys are better in other eggs. It's a fun prospect - to maybe have a version of the Kinder Egg for me to be delighted with on a bad day.

Have you ever had a Kinder Egg or one of these new Choco Treasures?

Onward

The Botox is finally beginning to wear off a bit. The good news is that now my neck muscles can hold up my head long enough for me to wash my face. The bad news is that my neck muscles can now spasm. All in all this round has been terrible and I can't imagine putting myself through it again.

I won't see my migraine doc next until August 1st so I have some respite time here as the Botox continues to work it's way out of my body. No doubt the doc will want to increase my SNRI dose when I do see him but I'm already feeling quite overloaded in the med department so I'm not looking forward to doing that. I feel like there should be a better way than just giving me more and more medication. Often the temptation is to just stop taking all these pills. Have you ever?

What I'd like to do with these next 3 months is see if I can find a place to get acupuncture and continue to work on my "road to wellness" stuff. I just wish there was an answer. I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish my life was normal. I wish I could work.

Okay, enough feeling sorry for myself. This is my lot to deal with and I need to focus on moving forward and doing the best I can. Onward.

Thoughts on Beckett

One of my favorite quotes comes from one of my favorite playwrights, Samuel Beckett. It goes: "I can't go on. I must go on. I'll go on." I loved this quote even before chronic pain began attacking my body and I identify with it even more now.

I could expand on it, explain all the times and all the ways this has rung true for my life with chronic pain (heck, for life in general) but Mr. Beckett put it so simply, so perfectly that there really is nothing more to say. His talent for sublime brevity is what I love most about his writings. Of course he wrote like that because he hated words - and I love it because I love words.

Anyway, I've been thinking about this quote lately, which got me thinking about his plays. I hadn't put a whole lot of thought into them in several years. Doing so through the Fibro/Migraine lens of today, I find these works that spoke to me back then seem to speak about me now. Instead of being simply moved by them I feel like I can relate.

If you have never read or seen a Beckett play I would highly recommend it. My favorite is Ohio Impromptu.

Disturbing News

If you happened to catch the CBS Evening News last night you may have also caught the disturbing news that social security disability benefits are expected to dry up by the year 2016. Right around the corner.

Despite my efforts to put this out of my mind and focus my attention on the factors in my life I have some control over, worry has crept in. After all 2016 isn't far off assuming the world doesn't come to an end on Dec 21st. The prospect is worrisome for me directly but also for many many others. Can you imagine a world without any safety nets?

This is a big issue, one that I will be paying close attention to in the upcoming election. The question is, will anyone in power being doing the same?

Less Anonymous

My husband had an interesting idea. He suggested that I be less anonymous with my blog.

Of course, the reasons I write anonymously have not changed but his reasoning was sound. He suggested that I could use a picture of me for my profile along with my first name and still be anonymous in the ways that are important to me. I don't want potential future employers to google my name and be able to learn all about my struggles. And I am certain I would edit myself too much if I knew all my family and friends were reading.

Don't really see why I can't use my picture along my first name while maintaining my anonymity. The way I see it, unless I become super famous (which won't happen) then I'll be okay. I've been tossing this idea around in my head for a couple days now and am seriously considering doing it.

What do you think?

A Sad Goodbye

In the early morning hours this past Saturday our precious little dog Lucy got very sick. A few short hours later she died at the emergency pet hospital. This sudden, rapid decline took us by complete surprise and has left a huge void in our family. We've spent the weekend mourning the loss, telling stories about her and just laying around in a combination of grief and shock.

She was such a big part of our lives. She wanted nothing more then for all of us to be together, all the time. Nothing was ever quite right unless the family was together - and nobody else was around. She wasn't crazy about others.

This is Lucy with our first rabbit, Mr. Miranda. She absolutely loved being around him. She would get so excited when Mr Miranda would approach her that she would freeze and have to look away.

Wherever Mr Miranda was, Lucy was never far behind.

And when he would lay down for a reset, she would too.

She loved being comfortable and often found comfort in the oddest positions.

She has been with me day and night since I had to stop working. She followed me around, comforted me was feeling particularly bad, she would lay with me when I needed to lay down, sit with me when I was working on a project...

She was always very protective of me. It was as if she knew how delicate I am and took it upon herself to make sure I was okay.

She was also quite a looker.

I like to think we gave her a great life. After all she had her own person with her all the time. She had two little rabbit brothers, 3 walks a day, regular meals, good health and plenty of comfy spots to sleep.

We loved her - enormously - and we'll always miss her.