August Migraine Blog Carnival

The August Migraine Blog Carnival is now available. This month's topic is Suicide and Migraines. Check out all the great submissions on this very important topic.

Bowling for #Migraines

I've always enjoyed bowling even though I've never been all that good at it. I'm the kind of bowler who gets an occasional strike or spare along with gutter balls. Frankly, I'm satisfied if my final score breaks 100. Despite all that, I keep doing it.

So what does this have to do with migraines? Well, I've come to learn that in many areas of the country bowling and smoking go hand in hand. Having grown up in a progressive, health conscious community, where smoking in public was banned when I was still very young, I was spoiled by being able to go anywhere. Needless to say, I've bowled a lot less since we left Minnesota.

We did find a bowling ally that is smoke free not too far from our current location. It is a very family friendly place with a restaurant, arcade and a really huge bowling area. In the two times I've been there, it's clear that family friendly means that they cater to kids. The music is tween music (Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez...) and it's played so loud you have to shout to communicate. Kids are all free range, running around all hopped up on sugar and shouting. Parties are celebrated with cosmic bowling. That's when they turn off the regular lights and replace them with strobes, fog, lasers and black lights. It's a migrainista's nightmare.

Having been given a gift card to this place, my husband and I decided to give it a second chance over the weekend. Having been through cosmic bowling hell before we called ahead to see when we could bowl and not have to worry about it. They said we would be safe between 3pm and 10pm for regular bowling. We went at 4pm and sure enough once we get going they announce it's time for cosmic bowl. Apparently they had a late birthday party and so they made an exception to their policy so they could still make the party money. We made a stink and they relocated us to a different part of the ally and only did the cosmic crap on the side with the party.

The whole thing just left such a bad taste in my mouth. As much as I want to bowl a game now and then I don't want to put up with the loud music, the cosmic bowling, smokers, or anything else for that matter. What happened to just bowling?

The final nail in the bowling coffin was the bill. It cost $40 for just my husband and I to bowl - $40! When did bowling get so expensive? In my head I think a regular bowling ally wouldn't be as expensive as this massive kid complex (the only smoke-free ally around here) but I don't know for sure. In addition to the money I also paid with a migraine and a fibro-flare in my bowling hand/arm.

Yep, I think I'm done with bowling. Just one more thing added to the list of things I don't do because of my chronic migraines and fibromyalgia.

The Vulnerability of #Chronic Pain

I feel an intense vulnerability because of how disabling my chronic migraines and fibromyalgia are. Back when I was able to work I felt a sense of control over my life. I was a hard worker and dedicated to my career and my clients. This allowed me to be confident that my career would continue to progress and that no matter what I would be fine. I felt independent and challenged.

When I stopped working I was certain it would be a temporary thing. I was going to figure out what caused my migraines to go chronic, fix it and then resume my professional life. Since then I've learned that it's not that simple AND I got an additional chronic pain diagnosis of fibromyalgia. As things stand right now, there is no fixing either condition. I do believe I can manage my symptoms better and will always strive to do so but there is no cure or even good treatment for either.

My life will likely never get back on the track it once was. I'm learning to be okay with that. I have learned to really love my role as a housewife and am embracing my domestic side. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful husband who takes great care of our little family. That being said, I just can't escape feeling super vulnerable because I can't work.

Even though everything is okay right now, you never know when something awful is down the road. What if something happened to my husband and he couldn't work anymore? What if he got laid off? What if we lost our insurance. If I were working I wouldn't worry so much about these things because we would still have my income. Not having that earning potential is scary. There is no way around it. We need money to live. Even if I did magically get better I've been out of the work force for so long I don't know that I could resume my career. Who is going to want to hire someone with my health background. Not to mention we no longer live in the city where I have all kinds of great professional contacts and am familiar with the programs and laws. Would I be doomed to working minimum wage jobs? Would I ever have the earning potential I once had?

We're being responsible and doing what we can to ensure that I would be okay in case of a worst case scenario but I just can't shake that feeling that I'm more vulnerable than a paid worker to the vicissitudes of life. This vulnerability has given birth to all kinds of worry and fear. I try not to dwell on these things because we can't control everything in life. All we can do is take reasonable, responsible measures to safeguard ourselves. But in times like this, when big changes are happening, I have trouble not being a bit overwhelmed with those worries and fears.

Do you ever feel this way?

Whimsy Wednesday

Napoleon Dynamite may be one of the funniest movies ever. If you haven't seen it already, I highly recommend that you do. Enjoy this classic scene and have a great day.

Looking For Some Inspiration

I've been feeling rather uninspired for the past several days. I suspect it's due to an unfortunate combination of fatigue and thinking too much about the house build. Now usually I can find inspiration by checking out beautiful images on Pinterest.com or looking at lovely lifestyle blogs. After spending a couple hours doing that this morning, I've come to the realization that it's going to take more this time.

Maybe a trip to the art museum and a stroll through the antique mall will be enough. Gosh I hope so, as those are the only ideas I can come up.

What do you do when you are feeling uninspired?

Best Movies of All Time Part 1

Last month Entertainment Weekly came out with their list of the 100 greatest movies of all time. Reviewing the list, I found myself getting increasingly annoyed at many of the mentions and at many of the omissions.

Problem #1: Citizen Kane is ALWAYS listed as #1 best movie. Have you ever seen it? It's a terrible movie. The story isn't all that compelling, the storytelling isn't captivating and the characters do not draw you in. I barely made it through to the end, honestly only doing so because it's supposed to be the best. Now I do understand that it was innovative at the time it was made, but that is not enough to make it the best movie of all time. How can anyone say it's better than Schindler's List, Gangs of New York or Pan's Labyrinth? Heck, it's not even better than Clueless.

Problem #2: The vast majority of the films listed are really old. Don't get me wrong, I think there are plenty of great older films (Wuthering Heights, Jaws, It's a Wonderful Life, Gone With the Wind) but just because a film is old and was the first of it's kind, that does NOT make it one of the best of all time. Seems like no matter who compiles these best movie lists, movies get highly rated out of some elitist ideal of what makes a good movie. This particular list had only 24 films made since 1980. Clearly there is not much respect for modern film making.

Problem #3: I can't believe how many amazing films didn't even make the list. Okay, so this is probably all a matter of taste but to me a great film is one that makes you feel something, makes you think, makes an impact on you in some fashion. And I tend to believe you have to separate films into at least 3 genres in order to rank them: drama, comedy and family. What makes a great family film is so different from what makes a good drama, and the same goes for comedy.

All this frustration over this list leaves me with no other choice, I must make my own. I've already started to compile a list of movies I love as a nomination process. Unable to escape the feeling that I'm forgetting some great films I want to open it up and take nominations from all of you. What films do you think should be included as the best of all time?

Chronic Pain Made Me a Party Pooper

Party pooper: that's me. No matter the situation I always feel like I'm bringing people down, disappointing them or just being a big ol' bummer. 

Whenever people try to make small talk with me at a party they find themselves awkwardly trying to respond to my unexpected situation. Even those who already know my situation keep expecting me to be suddenly better and again have to fight through the awkwardness of not knowing what to do or say around me when they learn that I'm not better. 

When I get invited by friends or family to get together I can't respond with the traditional excited acceptance or disappointed explanation of prior commitments. I always want to see friends and family but I need to take a few moments to consider the timing, the environment and circumstances before I can accept or decline. I know that these hesitations makes it seem like I'm not interested but that's never the case. I just can't answer right away. 

Even if I am able to make the plans I can't guarantee that I'll be able to actually follow through. Even if I am able to follow through I can't guarantee I won't have to leave early. Even if I am able to stick it out I can't guarantee that my mind will cooperate with conversations or that I'll be able to fully participate in the festivities. I can't drink. I don't eat meat. I'm always nauseated. I'm always in pain. I have Migraine Resting Face. I can't take loud noises, bright lights, strong odors and extreme temperatures. I no longer have the energy for small talk or large crowds. 

Most disturbingly, those closest to me, who try their hardest to understand my limitations, still have to deal with the disappointment of wanting to go and do with me and me not feeling up to it. I traveled all the way to Wisconsin to visit with my mom just a couple weeks ago, but after that big trip I wasn't able to do much of anything but hang out. As much as she says it's fine, I can tell that she was disappointed and a little frustrated that we couldn't do more. 

There is no way around it, I'm a party pooper, a wet blanket, a big ol' bummer. I hate being those things. I hate that I'm not dependable and fun. Guilt has become a dark shadow over most of my social interactions and I hate that most of all. 

Do you ever feel like this? How do you deal with it?