Friday, January 8, 2010

Good Day vs. Bad Day

The real difference between a "good day" and a "bad day" in my world is a feeling of hope. While I'm constantly frustrated by the fickle nature of this feeling, I can't deny this truth. Good is a relative term simply meaning I am not in enough pain to justify taking the outrageously expensive rescue medications. Days marked as good leave me trying to formulate plans for the future, such as how to recover professionally from several years of medically induced unemployment. I also start thinking maybe I don't need to move forward with the impending surgeries - a sort of last ditch effort to overcome this debilitating pain. Then of course I start feeling guilty about not working during this time, because in the moment I don't feel so bad.

Inevitably, the bad day is not far behind. In fact, these days they outnumber the good ones. And as quickly as the pain returns the hopeful feeling retreats. I'm left wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a real job again. I feel guilty and sad about not using my education and talents. The surgeries are now the best thing - anything to escape all this pain! The rescue medications almost never eliminate the pain and leave me feeling off. Somewhere between the pain and the medications my brain doesn't function like it used to, which is both frustrating and sad to me.

Ultimately I still hold hope in my mind even when the feeling of it is long gone. The truth is, my doctor hasn't given up on me. The surgeon is ready and willing to operate on me. And my husband is making enough money for both our needs to be met.

Through all of it (good or bad) I find myself extraordinary thankful for my wonderful husband who takes such good care of me. I feel equally lucky to live so close to this surgeon who is offering a rare opportunity at relief.

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