Monday, September 28, 2015

Who I Am Doesn't Fit Neatly Into a Box And That's Fine With Me

Sometimes I wish I could learn to reconcile and integrate the various aspects of me into a more cohesive being. Eliminate the contradictions and put an end to all competing inclinations that exist within me.

Then I realize my particular set of traits is what makes me who I am as an individual. Why would I ever want to get rid of that?

I think I only ever make this wish out of a desire to be more easily recognized and understood by others. You know how it is. People love to fit others neatly into a little box. Boxes that can tell the whole story of who we are - as if we are what we do for a living, if we are parents or not, married or not, straight or gay, healthy or sick...

The trouble, of course, is that's never the whole story. It's an oversimplification of our naturally complex existence.

I think this is why I find small talk to be so frustrating. It feels like people are just trying to quickly figure me out, label me and chit chat about that stuff. BUT - I don't work outside the home, I don't work because of my chronic pain conditions, I don't have kids, I like cloudy cool days and healthy food. Not exactly great small talk material. Most people can't relate and/or don't know what to do with that kind of information.

I don't have a whole lot of energy and I would much rather spend it having meaningful or fun conversations with people who are actually interested in more than just the surface facts of my being and who are willing to share more than just the surface facts of their being.

When I really think about it, as much as I wish more people could truly see and understand me, I don't want to be any less complex or authentic to myself. Especially not for such a silly reason. I like that I'm complex. I like that I'm always evolving and learning. Sure beats the alternative.

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