Obviously everyone has to deal with things that are beyond their control in life. But it's different now than it was before I was living with chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. Before the things I couldn't control was limited to what others were doing around me. I still can't control any of that but now I have also lost control over much of myself.
I can't control my migraines or my fibromyalgia. Sure I try to avoid my triggers as much as possible and I work hard to structure my days to minimize the various pains, exhaustion, nausea and other symptoms. I even put a lot of effort into staying positive and making the most out of the days that aren't too bad. Despite my best efforts I still have an average of 18 migraines a month. I still experience fibro flares. Inexplicably, it even seems my fibro pain has gotten much worse in the last 6 months with the addition of this foot and hand pain.
At times I feel like I'm failing at life. I know this is just my mind making generalizations that are not necessarily factual. When I think about it I can point to some successes. Still, the failures feel frequent and significant. I lost my ability to work, my career, and with it the sense of pride, accomplishment and independence. I lost most of my hobbies and with it a lot of joy, balance and growth.
I've lost pieces of me and pieces of my identity. I used to be a lot of things I no longer am. And it's hard.