Thursday, February 2, 2017

I've Lost Pieces of me to Chronic Migraine and Fibromyalgia

Often I feel as though so much of my life is happening to me, beyond my control. I never know when a migraine will hit but I can be certain I'll have lots of them. The list of things I can't do is long so I don't often make plans. Those I do make are constantly in the stressful shadow of the uncertainty surrounding my health. 

Obviously everyone has to deal with things that are beyond their control in life. But it's different now than it was before I was living with chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. Before the things I couldn't control was limited to what others were doing around me. I still can't control any of that but now I have also lost control over much of myself. 

I can't control my migraines or my fibromyalgia. Sure I try to avoid my triggers as much as possible and I work hard to structure my days to minimize the various pains, exhaustion, nausea and other symptoms. I even put a lot of effort into staying positive and making the most out of the days that aren't too bad. Despite my best efforts I still have an average of 18 migraines a month. I still experience fibro flares. Inexplicably, it even seems my fibro pain has gotten much worse in the last 6 months with the addition of this foot and hand pain. 

At times I feel like I'm failing at life. I know this is just my mind making generalizations that are not necessarily factual. When I think about it I can point to some successes. Still, the failures feel frequent and significant. I lost my ability to work, my career, and with it the sense of pride, accomplishment and independence. I lost most of my hobbies and with it a lot of joy, balance and growth. 

I've lost pieces of me and pieces of my identity. I used to be a lot of things I no longer am. And it's hard. 

No comments:

Post a Comment