Hospital Woes

Right now grandma is still in the ICU, which means they are sort of treating her still. Yesterday the docs decided she has gotten to weak for intubation to be an appropriate treatment tool so that's out. They basically wanted to get her as strong as possible to send her home. The sooner the better as far as I'm concerned. She is on the highest oxygen setting but her 02 levels are still not great. She is clearly uncomfortable (though doesn't report pain) and she clearly is anxious. Who wouldn't be in her situation.

She doesn't know where she is and she seems a little scared at times. She knows me and my uncle and aunt, which is good. She can't answer open ended questions but I don't know if it is because she can't find the words to describe what she is feeling or what is bothering her, or if she really doesn't know. She'll say yes or no to a direct question. Her head is in this kind of perpetual motion. It's not like a tick though, it is the movement of discomfort and confusion.

Her poor body has been through so much in her life and I hate watching her struggle hour and hour like this, in the hospital she hates. We're already at the point where they can't really do a whole lot for her and she is failing to make improvements with the limited options they have. I'm failing to understand why she can't just be discharged today into a hospice program and we can get about the business of making her comfortable. The ICU docs are reluctant to give her anything for the anxiety and such because it can have a sedative effect. They're concerned if that happens she may have an even tougher time with her oxygen levels.

Meanwhile I'm sitting there, constantly trying to keep her calm and as comfortable as possible with pillows, blankets and water. But I can't help her and she keeps asking me to help her (though she doesn't know what she needs). Last night, it got to be too much and I started having an intern panic attack. My insides felt all twisty, my nausea kicked up, my stomach felt raw and painful and I couldn't seem to take anything but shallow chest breathes. I was able to take an Ativan and my Bachlofen when I got home which helped me calm down and get some sleep, but I just kept thinking that my grandma is really the one who needs this stuff.

I guess we're going to be working on deciding what hospice to go to and trying to get her transitioned from here to there today. Hopefully.

Okay, well I need to pull myself together here and get back to the hospital. Thank you for all your well wishes and support. If you are so inclined I know we could all use some prayers right now.