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Well, it has been a few days since my last update so I thought I should do another.
My body was beginning to kind of relax out of emergency mode as I drove to the airport to pick up my cousin on Friday morning. We had a quick breakfast and then if was off to the hospice to see grandma. It was clear when we walked in that her condition had worsened overnight. Thursday evening she fed herself, consuming her entire dinner, was awake and responding to direct questions. She even spoke. By Friday morning she had gone quite pale and her fingers, toes and lips had gone kind of blue. Her breathing was more labored and she just looked, well, less present in a sort of indescribable intangible way.
Standing there by her bed I felt this surge and I just knew I was fully back in emergency mode. I have been feeling inexplicably little pain for about a week now. I'm exhausted but am not really struggling to go on. I'm stressed, not getting enough sleep, not able to really eat well from all the stress and nausea, yet I've only had one migraine since it all began last weekend and very little pain and discomfort throughout the rest of my body. I can't explain it. The current circumstances of my days are full of pain landmines but I have not yet exploded.
I'm not under any delusions that I'm suddenly better. Be it divine intervention or simply adrenalin I know something is allowing me this opportunity to really be there for my grandma and for the rest of my family who is here and my mom who is unable to be here. For all of this I am exceedingly grateful...and I am expecting, fully prepared, there will be a hefty price on the back end.
More family has continued to arrive throughout the weekend and being able to see and share with these people I love has made the last couple days easier. We are all sad but we love grandma/mom so much that we are glad to be here for her. There is no bickering or the kind of disagreements that can occur when the head of the family is passing. Everyone is 100% behind her end of life decisions. We are all glad that she was able to make those determinations and we all would have supported her decisions no matter what they were. The energy is all so positive and loving. For all of this I am, again, very thankful. Were it any other way I think my pain situation would be much different.
Anyway, I should get in the shower so I can start my day. I hope you are all having a good weekend.
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I think adrenaline pushes us through those days...but for me, when the "let down" comes...is when I feel the pain. No doubt you are going to need lots of rest and relaxation. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. XoXo.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from as to not feeling much, if any, pain at this time. Whenever dad was really sick and in the hospital, my body somehow accommodated my needs to be at the hospital. But as soon as he was well enough to come home I crashed and burned. It's weird. I can't explain it. I don't know how we can go from one extreme to the next like that.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I think that when he was in the hospital, I knew he was getting the best care. But when he came home, I was completely responsible for him.
Take care my friend. I hope all goes well with you.
I think one of the hardest things in life is watching someone you love pass away. My mother passed away last October and watching the end of her life was super hard. You are so lucky to have family around you. I mostly did not. Despite the hardness of it, it is a blessing that you are able to be there especially in less pain. I am glad that you have good positive and loving energy around her.
ReplyDeleteHeather
May the path continue to unfold graciously as you all spend this time together.
ReplyDeletewv sharin i think it’s prophetic for you all