Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Being A Chronic Pain Misfit

I often feel like a misfit. A big part of that is due to the drastic changes that have resulted from years of living with chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. I think I am the only person in my family and among my friends who finds the very idea of a beach vacation repulsive. All that bright sunshine like daggers from above as well as reflecting off the water, the inescapable discomfort of the heat and the mind numbing boredom that sets in after about 5 minutes of sitting on the thanks. I don't go to games, festivals or concerts because they are too loud, too bright, too crowded, too full of triggers. I can't be social day after day. I can't drink. I can't work. Exhaustion can set in after just a short bit of activity or sometimes for no apparent reason at all. Things that shouldn't cause pain, do. My brain can give out on me without notice.

Yep. Chronic pain sure does play a big role in making me feel like a misfit but it's not the only contributing factor. Even when I was healthy I was a bit odd. I enjoyed things my peers did not. Most people didn't get my sense of humor. I had an internal world of ideas and imagination that most people just were not interested in. At times my thoughts would take over and seriously slow me down.

All of these things are still true now. Add in the chronic pain stuff and, well, you can see why I feel like a misfit. I am. The person I am runs contrary to the culture, time and place where I exist. I don't mean this as a complaint, just an observation.

Sure I can pretend to be normal (whatever that is) when I'm out in the world. However, the older I get the more I feel disingenuous when pretending. Maybe those around me feel it too, I don't know. Maybe part of the problem is that I'm also pretending to be healthy when I'm out in the world. Perhaps I am just getting too old and too tired for these games. I guess when it comes down to it, feeling like I fit into a group matters less and less to me each year. Life is more complicated than that and who I am, oddities and all, is okay. I don't have much energy in general, certainly not enough for people who would judge me harshly for who I am.


  1. I totally identify with this. Thank you for posting these thoughts.