Monday, May 2, 2016

I Just Don't Feel Well Enough to Deal With How I'm Disppointing Others on Top of How I'm Disappointing Myself

I just don't feel well enough.

That's what it usually comes down to. I don't feel anywhere close to well enough to hold a real job. I don't feel well enough to travel. I don't feel well enough to go to concerts. I don't feel well enough to do all the outdoor projects I want to. I don't feel well enough to do more than one or two things per day. I just don't feel well enough to live life the way healthy people do. 

Trying to cope with this harsh reality is a daily struggle. Trying to get others to understand what it's like is just impossible. Even if there was some way to accurately communicate what it's like , people don't tend to truly believe and understand unless they experience something themselves. Still, when it comes down to it, I don't even feel well enough to try to really explain to everyone in my life what it's like. It's complicated enough trying to live with and manage my chronic migraines, fibromyalgia and endometriosis.

I find myself putting a great deal of energy and effort into being understanding of the judgment and insensitivity that result from people not understanding. I get so frustrated and upset sometimes. Yes, yes, I know this is tough for everyone and I understand why. But I can't necessarily do things the way others want me to do things. I can't be the person others wish I was. I can't even be who I wish I was. I just don't feel well enough to deal with how I'm disappointing others on top of how I'm disappointing myself. 

While at times I feel responsible for educating those around me, I know there is only so much I can do. And most of what I can do is work on coping with all the realities, including judgment and insensitivity. Damn. 

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