The End and The Beginning

As much as I love the idea of the new year starting, full of possabilities and the unknown, I just can't get behind all the new year's eve and resolution hoopla. The idea of staying up to usher in the new year dressed up at some big party drinking and such sounds like punishment to me. Can you say PAIN. I'm actually not even sure I want to celebrate the end of 2011 and the start of 2012 beyond maybe making a toast to better things to come with my husband over dinner.

Despite how it sounds, I am excited about starting a new year. We never know what the next day, the next month, the next year will bring and for whatever reason I like to start out feeling hopeful that I will feel better. Back in the day I used to make resolutions but never managed to remember them beyond January so I don't make them anymore. Instead I prefer to take stock and think about what I could be doing differently to improve my life. It's sort of the same thing I guess.

This year I feel like the Fibro class I took at Mayo got me set on the right track. Since returning home in September I've been committed to implementing the stragegies I learned. The process has been tough and slow moving but I feel like I am beginning to feel more balanced and I want that feeling to increase over the coming year. Basically I'm affirming my commitment to this path.

Rice Paper Me

This is my 400th post!

My husband and I joke that I'm made of rice paper because I am so physically fragile. Seems like the most innocent things can cause me pain or take me down. This afternoon, for example, I took our dog for a walk. I decided to take her around the neighborhood a bit since it is 60 degrees outside. Half way through I realized that the breeze, as warm as it felt, was cool enough to cause my ears great pain, which is now beginning to trigger a migraine.

ARG!

The list of little things like this that trigger pain in my body is lengthy, which has long been a source of frustration in my life. The good news is that being able to joke about it with my husband has done wonders to help me come to terms with this reality. The frustration and anger that used to bubble up during these times has been turned way down. I still get frustrated and angry about it sometimes but it isn't as frequently or as severe as it used to be.I'll never be able to really thank my husband for this and a thousand other ways he makes my life better.

A look Back

With Christmas behind us it is now time for the annual look back at the year that was and look forward to the year that will be here shortly. Something about watching all of the retrospectives on the news, going over our yearly expenses and income spreadsheets and preparing the new calendar just puts me in the mood to think about my own past and future.

This was a big year.

The highlight was definitely moving to St. Louis. I've loved being back in the Midwest and being so close to family.

The toughest part of this year was losing my grandma.

While there was plenty of ups and down in between, overall I feel like I'm in a better position at the end of this year than I was at the end of last. Part of that is certainly attributed to our relocation but the other part is because I now have a more solid foothold on controlling my symptoms through lifestyle changes that I'm slowly implementing. I have a couple of great docs and a new plan to control the migraines. We've adopted a wonderful little rabbit.

What is best and worst part of your 2011?

Holiday Recovery

Christmas has come to an end and I am WORN OUT. I've been sick for a more than 2 weeks now and while I managed fairly well through the family gatherings on Christmas Eve and day I've just been so very tired. Fatigue is a staple in my days, of course, but I've been extra tired because of my cold and then adding on extra activity...yikes!

I was relieved to have been able to show up and participate in the family festivities because it was great to see everyone and enjoy my favorite holiday. Wouldn't have traded it for anything. We were the first to leave on both days but I don't feel bad about doing so as it was what I needed to do to take care of myself. Actually, I'm sort of proud that I was able to manage as well as I did through it all.

I had to make some cuts in order to accommodate my cold like not doing as much baking, taking store bought dip instead of making my own, and the like. Plus there are several regular chores that just didn't get done around the house like dusting and laundry.

But now Christmas has come to an end and I'm getting back into my regular routine. Happily. Tonight we've been invited to drive through a light display and dinner with my side of the family who live locally. I had been planning on going and looking forward to it but have decided not to go because I'm still sick and just so worn out. I hate to bow out but am proud of myself for making the right decision for myself and for not beating myself up about it. I consider myself in holiday recovery right now.

How did you do this holiday season? Do you feel like you are now in recovery from the festivities?

Ignorant Family Member

My cousin's new wife recently started a blog that I have been reading and enjoying. I thought it might be a good way to get to know her better since they live so far away and I certainly have learned a thing or two about her. Up until yesterday's blog post I felt like I was beginning to appreciate and even like her. But yesterday's post was downright offensive.

She sat up on her pedestal and insulted everyone from people who take classes online, to people with disabilities, people who need public assistance, people who have children without living in a single family home with a backyard and college savings accounts and even people who can't find jobs. Perhaps the worst part about this post was that she started off by saying that she knew she was going to upset people with her post but that she hoped people would read it with an open mind, compassion and understanding for her and her "truth". The irony, of course, was that she went on to display a complete lack of those three traits. Plus the topic was responsibility.

Obviously, I was personally offended by the horrible things she had to say about people with disabilities and wanted to shoot off an angry message to her. I didn't. Then I thought about how young and naive she is and thought what she really needs is someone to teach her why she is way off base in what she was saying. I stewed about it overnight and this morning and have decided that it isn't worth it. She may be part of our family now but honestly I won't be seeing much of her because they live so far away. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing here or not but I've decided that I just don't have the energy for someone like her.

She is family so I'll keep her as a friend on facebook but block her posts so she doesn't show up on my news feed. I won't be reading her blog anymore and I won't be going out of my way to make sure she is included in anything. I'll be polite to her at the rare family functions that we both attend but again won't be going out of my way.

Do you people like this in your family? How do you deal with them?

Sick

I've been sick now for 6 days. For some unknown reason I actually feel worse today.

Apples to Oranges

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just be. Be still, be yourself, be fully in each moment...to be, being, been. I wonder if I'll ever have full control over my ability to be, authentically. It is as if the world is constantly conspiring all around us to influence who we think we should be, what we think we should want, how our lives should look, even down to how our relationships should go.

I feel like I have to remind myself somewhat regularly that my path is my path and it shouldn't be compared to the images and verbal messages of expectation we are all subjected to. Many of the messages and influences that pressure me run contrary to who I am and what makes me happy and that is a stress I want to get under better control.

Today I had to remind myself to stay on my path because it is my path, the place where I belong. My path is the place I want to be. This festive holiday season that I love so very much is also full of opportunities to step off my path and start judging myself and my life. I spend some time today just sitting and thinking about what I want out of life and how lucky I am to have all the blessing that I do have. With life back in perspective and me firmly on my path again I'm ready to meet the final run up to Christmas.

How do you handle these kinds of pressures and expectations?