A Changing Wind

I have been dealing with my constant migraines now for more than 4 years and in that time my doctors have given me all kinds of medications and tests. Now with the added trouble of my endometriosis I feel like my body is attacking me. I'm tired of feeling bad all the time. I'm tired of the heaviness from dealing with all these health problems every day. Then it hit me...the only thing I have not tried is a dramatic change in my diet. Don't get me wrong, I've made changes like cutting out alcohol and msg but basically it is the same as ever. No, what I need to do is rethink my entire approach to food.

The messages have been coming at me from several angles...talk of cutting sugars, simple carbs, increasing the good food. I even know some people who live on these sorts of diets and tout the wonderful benefits. For whatever reason I never really considered it...until a few days ago. Perhaps if I really modified the foods I eat every day my body would not be so angry all the time. If there is even a small chance that I could feel better I really need to try it. I've given drugs the same consideration...

This is going to be tough road. I can't even wrap my mind around the concept of changing my taste buds and craving. In an effort to set myself up for success, I've decided to start off slowly. I'm going to spend the month of March introducing myself to some new foods and new recipes. I'll still carry on eating some of the usual foods as I play with the new stuff. Then in April I hope to make the new foods the majority with some of the old thrown in for good measure. Assuming that my body responds positively to the new foods the hope for May is to switch over to an entirely vegan diet. YIKES!!!

As I sit here, March eve, I'm a bit nervous about the very difficult challenge ahead. At the same time I'm also feeling hopeful about possibly feeling better. Honestly, I long to reconnect with myself. Somehow all the pain and ickiness has overpowered my inner voice.

Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed today. I'm about a month out from surgery now and the incisions have healed over. For the past four years, as I've been quite wrapped up in dealing with my migraines, my endometriosis has been ravaging my insides. Now it is proving to be a rather large distraction from and complication to all this pain in my head. Just what I needed, right?

It seems the endometriosis invaded my right ovary, growing inside it and ultimately stretching it beyond it's capacity. There is sat, leaking aged blood into my pelvic cavity. So now, after having the 6 cm mass removed and learning just how extensive the condition has become I am gearing up to deal with the next step - treatment. Here is where I'm stuck, quite overwhelmed.

The treatment options preclude kids, but not treating precludes kids, but I'm also still dealing with the migraine stuff. Symptoms are getting confused now. All I know is that I don't feel well and I'm overwhelmed.

I'm hanging onto the knowledge that some day in the near future (maybe even tomorrow) I will move beyond this feeling and into the more pragmatic option consideration.

My Super Husband

I've been bad about attending to my new blog for just over a week now. Something came up rather suddenly that required my full attention and knocked me out of my usual computer time. A few days out from surgery now I'm finally able to get back online, but am not quite ready to share the details of what happened and what it all means. To my surprise, talking about it significantly increases my pain. Don't worry I'll go ahead and share in a couple weeks, or whenever I get to feeling better.

Right now I just want to talk about what a saint my husband has been. I've been rather high maintenance these past few days. He has had to help usher me in and out of surgery, the ER, the dr.'s office and all around the house. He has to help me get up, and lay down. He has cooked for me and done all the dishes. He has helped me get dressed and undressed. He has helped me put lotion on the many parts of my body that it hurts to reach for. And most impressively, he has helped me do things that are normally quite private. He has gotten a glimpse into the secret world of women and has not run the other direction.

As a young woman there are things that I just never really planned on sharing with my husband. Don't misunderstand, I'm not keeping things from him. He knows I do these things like go to the gynecologist but he doesn't participate and doesn't really know what goes on there. There has been no time and no room for these polite "secrets" and we have found ourselves sharing in ways I never could have anticipated. Despite being in a good deal of pain I appreciate the new level of intimacy my husband I have achieved through this ordeal. He has literally been my lifeline. And I love him so very much!

Good Day vs. Bad Day

The real difference between a "good day" and a "bad day" in my world is a feeling of hope. While I'm constantly frustrated by the fickle nature of this feeling, I can't deny this truth. Good is a relative term simply meaning I am not in enough pain to justify taking the outrageously expensive rescue medications. Days marked as good leave me trying to formulate plans for the future, such as how to recover professionally from several years of medically induced unemployment. I also start thinking maybe I don't need to move forward with the impending surgeries - a sort of last ditch effort to overcome this debilitating pain. Then of course I start feeling guilty about not working during this time, because in the moment I don't feel so bad.

Inevitably, the bad day is not far behind. In fact, these days they outnumber the good ones. And as quickly as the pain returns the hopeful feeling retreats. I'm left wondering if I will ever be able to hold down a real job again. I feel guilty and sad about not using my education and talents. The surgeries are now the best thing - anything to escape all this pain! The rescue medications almost never eliminate the pain and leave me feeling off. Somewhere between the pain and the medications my brain doesn't function like it used to, which is both frustrating and sad to me.

Ultimately I still hold hope in my mind even when the feeling of it is long gone. The truth is, my doctor hasn't given up on me. The surgeon is ready and willing to operate on me. And my husband is making enough money for both our needs to be met.

Through all of it (good or bad) I find myself extraordinary thankful for my wonderful husband who takes such good care of me. I feel equally lucky to live so close to this surgeon who is offering a rare opportunity at relief.

My First Migraine

Migraines have been a part of my life since I was quite young. My first one came one late afternoon in winter when I was in 3rd grade. The pain was absolutely overwhelmingly intense. Everything hurt. I remember curling into the fetal position on the floor of my mom's bedroom partly due to the pain but mostly due to the fear. I had never experienced a pain like this before and I was just certain it would kill me. I was silently crying, again from both pain and fear. But crying just made the pain even worse. Since my mom was still at work I dragged the phone onto the floor with me and called her office. She didn't have a direct line so the phone was answered by a receptionist. I tried to be calm and sound normal as I asked for my mom, but I know now I didn't do a good job of it. My mom talked some of the fear out of me, but there was nothing to do about the pain.

Over the years I've learned to live with my migraines quite well. That all changed about 4 years ago when they hijacked my life. They went from being an occasional event to a 5 or 6 a month. My doctor offered a prescription, which I declined. Then it became a weekly event and again my doctor offered a prescription. After 3 offers I decided to take my doctor up on her offer for Imitrex. It wasn't long before they were a daily event. The journey to find my way through this is on.