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Despite efforts to the contrary I'm finding some pangs of jealousy and sadness have been bubbling up over the past couple weeks. Watching and listening to people my age who are healthy and able to do the things they want to do has been reminding me of the times I was able. I remember it so vividly. Then as my attention inevitably turns back to the present, sadness and jealous are the predominant feelings.I imagine all the things I could have accomplished over the past 7 years - 7 years! Oh how I miss the energy I used to have. The freedom, the focus, the time...chronic pain has robbed me of SO MUCH. Grieving all that I've lost, while not constant, never quite resolves.
As happy as I may be for the forward movement and living that my contemporaries get to do, sometimes it just makes me jealous. I'm trying hard to fight the useless questions that it stirs: "Why can't I have more pain free days?", "Why do they get to do (xyz) and not me?", "Why can't I have a career?", "Why is this happening to me?". These questions serve no real purpose and they certainly don't have any answers. I must not ask them, must not ask them...
This is all just part of the current wave of grief over the me I lost. A grief that waxes and wanes.
I'm so, so sorry that you're grieving, I go through the same thing sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt's been important to me to focus on what I am doing with my life, and what I want to and can do. My reality has changed, so my expectations have to adjust accordingly. It sounds easy, but it's taken me years to get this far, and I still struggle sometimes.
I hope that ache eases for you soon.
Grieving for your old way of life is perfectly normal. It does suck though. Having to relearn how to do things that used to be so easy, and missing out on the fun your friends are having. You will develop new things to do that aren't as taxing on you. As always, I wish you well :)
ReplyDeleteI was going through the grieving process pretty bad last year. I hear where your coming from. I let mine go into deep loss and despair, coupled with severe insomnia and nightmares and I ended up voluntarily having myself checked into a depression unit for a week, I had gotten so bad. I got some heavy duty therapy, individual and group and once I was released continued with therapy and medication adjustments. The sleep got a little bit better but by late fall I was still not feeling right, physically. Oh, the chronic daily migraines were still there for sure. But now with recently being diagnosed w/Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on top of everything else it seems like when it rains it pours-or in some cases it's a monsoon.
ReplyDeleteBut we must try to stay focused on the good things and take the small pleasures in life and the small blessings and focus on them and block out the negative. As I sit I have my dog on my lap and I stroke his head and rub his ears from time to time and I feel blessed to have this little critter in my life. My daughter just left a little bit ago to ask if there was anything she could pickup for me while she was out and I counted my blessings for having such a wonderful, beautiful grown-up woman in my life-how well my daughter turned out. I feel blessed for having a secure shelter, heat, clothing, food and medications. Blessed to have Friends in real life and those I've met online, and yes even blessed w/family even though they drive me totally bonkers at times and make me sit back sometimes and wonder what planet I'm on.
But I take the blessing that this disease and the 25+ years that it's taken a toll on me, has taught me to sit back and to listen and to have empathy for others in pain and to try to be of help to them in anyway I can and sometimes that takes away the focus of my pain or makes my experience or road traveled thus far worthwhile-that some of my knowledge might be useful to others.
Your knowledge is indeed useful to others. Do not sit there and long for things in the past. Carve out your own present and future with things that you can do NOW. Focus on the now and set mini-goals for your future. Focus on what little things brings you pleasure and start a gratefulness journal like I did and write down 5 things each day to be thankful for or grateful for. That in itself is the one takeaway from my hospitalization that was the most valuable lesson I learned-to journal and to be grateful for what you have and can do now. The past is done and cannot be redone-leave it behind.
There is a time for grief, a time for sorrow, and time to mend and a time for joy.
I am familiar with that feeling. There are days where I do think, why can't I have less pain or do that or even something as simple as go for a walk. My best friend has been working on running 5Ks now and yeah, there are days I am jealous of her because I can't run. Mostly I, like you, focus on the can dos, but sometimes the can't dos surface. I don't think we ever totally get over grieving for who we were. i also think that we do get to a point where we are thankful for what we can do.
ReplyDeleteheather
I can't imagine what you all must go through, but I know some of your pain. Chronic headache / migraine has left my liver pretty much destroyed. My liver doesn't really seem to filter alcohol like it usually would for someone else my age, and alcohol is usually a trigger anyway. I'd prefer quiet, sober, intelligent chatting over coffee anytime, but Dopey College Town, USA doesn't play that game much. It's hard to watch many of my peers go out every weekend, get trashed, and have what they consider a good time - I generally just stay home in my jammies and mope.
ReplyDeleteBut I just keep reminding myself that I won't be here forever, and I will find more of "my kind" someday :)
Wishing you all happy, healthy days!