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Here are some of the worst:
"Well you look good". Normally being told you look good is a positive. Who doesn't want to be told they look good, right? The problem is when it comes at the end of a discussion about how my migraines have not improved or about how I'm not feeling so good. Then it sounds and feels like a invalidation, a dismissal of what I've just said. When someone says this to me, I hear "you can't feel too bad because from what I see everything is fine."
"Have you tried..." This kind of question always comes from people I barely know, which makes it all the more irritating. Yeah, I don't need your obvious suggestions. I've been going through this for a long time and my doctors and I will be making the decisions about what I try and when. I've been researching and working on this for years, there is nothing you can suggest that hasn't been tried or at least considered. The last thing I want to do is discuss this long, complicated, hard path I've been on with someone I barely know.
"You just need to..." Yes, if only I did whatever ridiculously simplistic suggestion you just made, then I would feel better. Gosh, if only I had thought of this sooner. I can't believe I've spent the past 7 years in constant pain when all I needed to do was join a gym, or walk more, or any one of the dozens of crazy suggestions folks have made over the years. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT. I have not done something or failed to do something that lead me to my present predicament. This is a neurological disease.
Okay, I'm getting all worked up here so I'm going to stop. Admittedly, it feels good to express how I feel about these "well meaning" comments in a non P/C way. Sometimes I get sick of trying to be so understanding and sympathetic of these people and their motives. Wishing instead they spent more time being more understanding and sympathetic of my situation.
I feel your pain & annoyance. It's very invalidating to have people continue to suggest things. I'm dreading going to the dentist because the assistant asked my husband if I tried hypnosis! This after the dentist suggestedcphysical fitness and the assistant suggested I stay hydrated. It is highly insulting.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand!!!! My older brother is famous for the "but you look good" comment! He can't seem to handle anything that isn't perfect and healthy. I also have family members who do the "have you tried" and "You just need to". I do hope you have a better day tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteHeather
I agree with all of those. Like 'have you tried drinking more water, and cutting your hair and completely changing your lifestyle?' I feel like going 'Have you read any of the research? No? Then STFU. You don't know my disease or what I have done to treat it.' Depends on the person though. Really good people I don't mind their good intentions because they don't like that I suffer. False sympathy on the other hand and people who really just want to make me feel guilty for being ill by somehow turning it around and blaming me not doing enough to cure myself or whatever they think the fault is on my side that is 'causing' my migraines to be 'difficult and chronic' don't deserve the same treament.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. They do the same thing with me pertaining to lupus and RA. Sure I look good, that's why it's called an invisible disease, duh. LOL. I'm sure they mean well, but it does get aggravating.
ReplyDeleteI think I may at one time suggested some new something or other to you, and I apologize. Sorry!
It's totally different when someone who also suffers from chronic pain makes a suggestion, or someone who really knows my situation. You have no reason for apologies, dear Della.
DeletePreach it sister!! I especially love it when someone who has never had a migraine, much less a headache, tells me what I should try. Or, better yet, they tell me that I should just suck it up because "it can't be that bad."
ReplyDeleteExactly. Have you gotten the "thank goodness it's not [xyz] disease, it's just head pain."
DeleteJust like "You should be glad it's just a headache, not [xyz disease]"
DeleteOh yeah, that's another stupid thing I hear from time to time.
DeleteI resonate with all 3 of these! Funny because sometimes I do start to tune out and imagine that they're voices sound like the "mwah wah wah" teacher on Charlie Brown. I have to be careful so I can hop in with a great answer. ;-)
ReplyDeleteThese are all really "good" pet peeves. And by "good" I mean they resonate with me and other commenters here.
ReplyDeleteThe "but you look so good" one goes one step further for me when people say "So, you're looking good these days. It must be great to have those awful headaches behind you."
Ya. It would be great - except they aren't behind me at all. A better approach would be for someone to say "You're looking well, but that doesn't mean you have no pain. How are you feeling?"
Hey, a girl can dream..... :)
I can TOTALLY relate to all of it. As Della said that's why it's called INVISIBLE!! If you looked bad then they can't tell you that you looked good!!! Grrrr. The "have you tried" I LOVE your comment! People must think Migraine Sufferers are all idiots and sit on our butts all day with out thumbs in our mouths and say DUH and do nothing! We all work hard with our doctors for however many years we've suffered w/this disease (my case 25+) we've researched online and have been in the stages of trying countless "off label" medications as preventives because there is NO specific Migraine specific medication formulated yet that can be used as a preventive. To explain that to family and friends over and over again countless times does make one that suffers want to sit back and say "Duh" because it just will NOT sink in. Just how DO you get through to these people the scope and magnitude of this illness?? And NO it's NOT just a headache. I swear if I hear that one more time I will explode!
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