Thursday, December 26, 2013

'Tis The Season For Self Abuse?

'Tis the season to judge yourself harshly, compare yourself to others and basically feel bad about your shortcomings. Oh wait, NO IT'S NOT! Nevertheless, that is exactly what I did. This holiday season has been especially difficult due to the big move and the move has been especially difficult for me because of my chronic migraines and fibromyalgia.

In all the craziness I didn't bake a single holiday treat, I didn't have the chance to get my husband a gift in time for his 40th birthday (just days before Christmas), I didn't bake him a cake or make him a special meal, I still haven't found a couple of the Christmas gifts I bought before the move so not everyone got to open their gifts from us yet, I had to leave one of our holiday gatherings early, the house is a mess and there is little I can do about it because I'm exhausted and in pain. I've been stressed out and on edge.

I can blame it on my type A personality, or on the general feelings of inadequacy that have resulted from years of living with chronic migraines and fibromyalgia, but the blaming doesn't help me move past this terrible self abuse I heap on myself when I can't keep up. I watch as the people around me manage to still get everything done even when something big happens to disrupt life. Heck, I remember when I used to be able to do that. Despite knowing that I can't, knowing that it's not my fault, and knowing that this doesn't make me weak or lazy I struggle to accept the reality of my limitations.

I don't want to be this way. I don't want to rest when there is work to be done. I don't want to constantly be falling behind. I don't want to be judged by others. I don't want to keep comparing myself to my old self or to the healthy people around me.

None of the stuff that went awry was a big deal. Everyone knows about my health situation and they all know we are right in the middle of a move. It's okay if some gifts are late. It doesn't even matter a little that I didn't do any baking. We can still celebrate hubby's birthday when things calm down. The house will come together in time...

What I should be doing is celebrating all the things that went well. After all, there were lots of victories this season. We moved into our new house. We managed to get our Christmas cards out - we like to do something fun each year with Photoshop for our cards. We attended two parties. We got to talk and laugh with family. Nothing terrible happened. This will be a season we will look back on and chuckle about the craziness.

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