October has been tough for me. Any crazy thing that could have gone wrong has gone wrong. I've written about some of the details but won't bore you with all the frustrating happenings. Over the weeks more and more has gone wrong. Simple things that should never go wrong - did; and should have been easy to fix but wasn't. They have been piling up and putting me in a bad place.
I honestly was beginning to wonder if I was starting to lose it a little. How could all of my interactions with the outside world turn out like this? Could it actually be me? Was my mind taking me away from the reality the rest of the world experiences?
I've put a great deal of thought into it and decided that while I can be certain I'm not having a mental break from reality, I can't be certain it's not me. Let me explain myself.
People respond to energy and non-verbals. They do, even if they don't know that they do. You can tell when someone is confident, energetic, peaceful, stressed, tormented, sad, self conscious, etc. Like it or not, the world will treat you differently based on what sort of energy you are projecting. I've seen it in my own life and have even used it in the past to become what I wanted to become. The old "fake it until you make it" philosophy.
When I think about it, I don't feel like the same confident, self-assured, strong, independent woman I used to feel like. It took a while but:
* The years of trying so hard to improve the frequency and/or severity of my migraine and fibromyalgia symptoms only to have every effort fail has taken a toll.
* The years of having medical professionals and others in my life treat me like what was happening to me was either my fault, in my head or being exaggerated has taken a toll.
* All the looks of doubt or pity on the faces of people I encounter have taken a toll.
* The years of being very aware of all the ways in which people are misunderstanding and judging me have taken a toll.
* The years of beating myself up because of all the things I can't do have taken a toll.
* The years of mourning over all my lost abilities and trying to cope with all the ways these losses impact my life have taken a toll.
* The years of continued weight loss have taken a toll.
* The years of feeling vulnerable because I'm can't work have taken a toll.
* The years of brain fog, fatigue, nausea, aches, pains, sensitivities, etc. have taken a toll.
* The years of fighting so hard to just be treated with a little dignity and respect by doctors has taken a toll.
* The years of indignity and struggle have taken a toll.
When I look back on all the troubles of this past month I see everything I just listed above reflected in those experiences. Then I look at how I feel I am and I don't recognize what I see as me but rather some nervous, scared, vulnerable, unsure, weak, angry shell. I hate it. I hate the toll all of this has taken. This is not what I want for my life.
Perhaps this past month things have reached a tipping point internally. Perhaps these negative feelings have grown so out of control that the world is now responding to what I'm projecting. I feel so marginalized that I'm being marginalized, which makes me feel more marginalized. I'm not being heard or seen or taken seriously. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that it's my fault because professionals ALL have an obligation to treat people well and do their jobs at all times even though in reality many don't. BUT, I do think it's possible the people around me were choosing to be lazy, dishonest or uninterested because of the energy I was projecting - at least in some of the cases.
I can't be sure but, if nothing else, the troubles of this past month did inspire this close examination of how I feel about me. The good news is that I really do believe this is something I can change. It won't be easy and will likely take a long time but I can't let this go on. Here and now, I've decided to start myself down a different path.