Monday, January 17, 2011

Oh Baby...

My husband and I started trying to get pregnant right away after we got married, more than 3 years ago. We shared a strong desire to have at least one child. But over the last 3 years I've struggled with the question of should I try to do this considering my migraines and such. Much like the ups and downs of my sense of hope for relief I've at times thought it would be fine and at times thought it was a terrible idea - and everything inbetween.

We tried and took a break from trying and then back to trying again. After I lost one of my ovaries last January we decided to try all 2010 and then start treating my endometreosis in hopes of keeping my other ovary. Obviously we were not successful in making a baby.

My GYN doc said we should give it a couple more months and start using an ovulation kit to tell me exactly when I'm ovulating. I had already been doing basil temperature charts for more than 2 years but she said this would be more concrete. So I've been testing myself daily. Last week I had a spike in my temperature (which is supposed to coincide with ovulation) and started to experience other symptoms of ovulation. But my tests all told a different story.

It appears I may not actually be experiencing the full burst of hormones required for normal ovulation. Something is happening - obviously. I'm still having periods and experiencing all the symptoms. My husband and I have talked about our struggles to get pregnant on several occasions and have come to the mutual conclusion that we'll be okay if we can't. We love each other and really like each other and our life together. We are not wealthy by any stretch and we both really value being financially stable. Neither of us feel like we need to drop everything and put all of our retirement savings and investments into expensive, invasive procedures to help us get pregnant or adopt.

Part of me feels the loss of my right ovary. It doesn't make any sense, I was hardly aware of my ovaries before it was destroyed. Now to think that I'm not really even ovulating, well, I feel sad about it. And that makes even less sense. I've been very aware of my intuition telling me that we can't get pregnant for more than 6 months. This isn't a surprise to me. I don't feel like I can't have a great life if I can't have children. Meanwhile, I'm seeing all these people around me having babies; friends, celebrities, strangers at the store. Each time I feel pangs of sadness and longing. Sometimes I think about what kind of things I would want to teach my child, or things I would like to do with my child. I see baby stuff in stores and wonder what it would be like to have a baby. I wonder if I would be any good at parenting. I wonder what kind of foods he or she would like or dislike. I wonder who he or she would be. I even manage to worry some about all the dangers he or she would face (online predators, crazy people too wrapped up in texting to pay attention on the road and stuff like like). These feelings don't make any sense but I'm feeling them anyway.


  1. I can understand completely. I cannot have children either and with a chronic illness, I don't feel I would be able to adopt. It can be hard when you see babies stuff and babies everywhere. After a while, it does get better. It took time, but now I am glad I don't have them because I don't feel with my illnesses I would be able to take as good of care of them as they deserve.

  2. Hi Migrainista, my heart goes out to you, and I hope that your health improves and your ovary does its thing, and you and your husband can have the delight of a child.
    But I am so glad you are feeling alright about life without a child. It is so strong all around us that we aren't 'fulfilled' without having a baby ~ but what a load of rubbish that is!
    Your fulfilment is in yourself. Hooray for you!

  3. They make perfect sense!!!

    Obviously I have 2 boys....but between them, I lost 2, then it took over a year to get pregnant with my 2nd.

    Last year I lost the ability to have more. While I didn't necessarily want more, it still makes me sad sometimes knowing i'll never experience pregnancy, labor, delivery or breastfeeding again.

  4. I wish you all the luck in the world! If having a child is your dream, it isn't going to hurt to dream a little. When you are least expecting it, you could get pregnant! We had friends that were together for 17 YEARS before they got pregnant!!! Nancy didn't think she could conceive a child either, and now she has a beautiful 10 year old daughter.

  5. Hoping for great luck in 2011!! You will be a great mom!!!

  6. You ladies are so fantastic! Thanks for all your kind words of support!

  7. I'm chiming in late, but wishing you all the best for 2011!

  8. Wow, your post really hit home for me.

    I stopped menstruating after I finished my cancer treatment in 1988 and thought I was in menopause and infertile. Six years later, after the big Northridge earthquake here in Los Angeles, my periods came back. That's when I was told by my gynecologist that I could get pregnant, despite knowing about my cancer treatment and the advertised side-effect of infertility from the chemotherapy drugs.

    Well, she was wrong.

    After we got married in 1998, my husband and I tried to get pregnant and were unsuccessful. By the time we got to a fertility specialist, not only was I told I was infertile but that menopause would soon be on the way. I was so upset, mostly because of the false hope I was given 10 years before.

    We are trying life without children, but I too have pangs of sadness and longings for a child. We were on a path towards adoption when fate stepped in and I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic pain. I struggle with wanting a child and being concerned that I cannot be a good enough mother because of my chronic illnesses and disability.

    I guess this is a very long winded way of saying that I can empathize because I am in a similar situation. Let's keep in touch and support each other through this...

  9. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be - and you will be the same wonderful person (and couple) that you already are, whether you get pregnant, adopt, or decide not to. Been down that road, and the long and arduous (and invasive!) process to get pregnant almost resulted in divorce. Almost lost the first one, and my migraines increased dramatically during that pregnancy. Lost the next two, and found out that one ovary had probably never functioned. Became pregnant with the last one and was so deathly ill the doctors told me I should never consider it again. That son came out with multiple chronic health issues - and also suffers terribly from migraines. He is incredibly bright and compassionate, stoic and amazingly brave. Yet it kills me to see him suffer, even while I help him navigate the same waters I did all these years. My wish for you is that no matter what happens, you will always be able to look at your life and see how rich it is, to enjoy what you can, to be grateful for what you do have and what you are able to give to others.

  10. Thanks Sue!

    Selena, thank you so much for sharing your story. Fertility is such a tricky thing and doctors can be so flip about it. Let's do keep in touch. I'm we can support one another :)

    Eileen, your story is so heartbreaking. I can't imagine the pain of losing two pregnancies. Sounds like your body has really been through a great deal.

    Thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragment. I am lifted up just knowing that I'm not alone and that so many wonderful women are out there who have been down this road too. We're all going to be okay, together :)