PFAM What it Feels Like

The September prompt for the PFAM blog carnival is: "What does your illness feel like?"

As many of you already know, I live with chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. Finding the words to describe what that feels like has been a real challenge. So many symptoms. So many feelings. Where do I even begin? I've tried several different approaches, starting over 3 times now. Doing so I discovered that I just don't have the words yet. Instead I'm going to tell you what I feel like.

I feel like a freak, a misfit, a square peg in a world of round holes. My illnesses have pulled me outside of societal norms and left me misunderstood and judged by the masses. I can't work a normal job. I don't have the energy expected of a woman my age. I can't participate in the kind of activities most people can and do. My days are filled with things most people don't have to worry about and certainly don't understand.

As aware as I am of how much my life has changed since the onset of my diseases, it's only when I interact with people (other than hubby) that I feel just how different I am. It's in the looks people give me, everything from pity to disbelief. It's in the comments that make it clear what I'm saying is not being understood. It's hearing about all the things they are doing and realizing I either can't do them or don't want to do them because of my chronic migraines and/or fibromyalgia.

I am different. My illnesses have made me different. I don't say this to impose a judgement on myself. It is the simple reality of my situation. What I hope people will understand, what I fear people won't understand is that I am more than just my diseases and the chasm of differences they have imposed.