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I'm spending way to much time beating myself up these days. With my grandma in the hospital my time and energy supply are way down. I'm not even able to keep up with all the everyday business of the household like dusting, dishes and laundry. I'm doing things as are necessary but never really on top of it.
Hanging heavily above my head is finishing up the moving business. Our vehicles need safety inspections, emissions inspections, new registrations, license plates and I need a new driver's license. All of this takes time and money. Both of which are in short supply. Moving to another state is a real hassle and I will do everything I can to NEVER do it again!!! This is my 4th state in 6 years and at this point I feel like we have thrown away a bunch of money just getting new plates and stuff for our vehicles.
Anyway, all of this stuff was supposed to be done this week, which simply won't happen. I'm harboring so much guilt about not being on top of things right now. My husband seems to have gotten temporary amnesia about the physical barriers I face everyday. When he started his new job he basically forgot about everything else that needed to be done - assuming I would just do everything - forgetting that I can't. I told him I need help and he told me that he works all day, I should just handle it since I have "all day" to get this stuff done. He might as well be calling me lazy.
I'm not quite sure how he could have forgotten about my health but it is really making me mad. I don't like having to explain to my husband what my days are like, as if I were explaining it to someone who didn't really know me. This tension is feeding my natural tendency to feel guilty about what I can't do and to beat myself up much more than usual. This nasty side of myself keeps telling me that there is no good reason I can't get everything done with time to spare. But it's not done. Bad Migrainista!
With chronic illness we need so much quiet time to sort out what we need.
ReplyDeleteBusy times need 'Whatever gets you through the night' but hopefully that doesn't last for too long.
Good luck Migrainista. keep being as kind to yourself as you can be!
OMG! You don't know how bad I want to wring your husbands neck.
ReplyDeleteWith you going through all of the fibro crap, it has reminded me of everything I went through with it.
Before my diagnosis, my hubby was kind of a jerk, too. About the getting stuff done. After he learned about my illnesses and limitations, he was completely supportive, and he took on the majority of household tasks. He saw me cry in pain from trying to lift a pan off the stove. He saw me cry trying to hobble to the bathroom. He learned more from seeing what I went through, than he did from reading about the conditions I was in.
It was always up to me to take care of car registrations, insurance, EVERYTHING. Just like you are doing now. Add a stressful job, and a sick and dying dad on top of it, and I BROKE. Fell apart.
Stress is the absolute worst thing for you. You need some tender loving care right now, sweetie.
Do not beat yourself up for what you can't do! He needs to pitch in and help, my hubby worked a full time job, and took care of things at home. That's what being partners is about. Leaning on each other in times of crisis.
You are not bad! You are sick. And now your grandma is sick. You need him to lean on and offer you some support damnit!
Big gentle hug!