Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What To Do?

I had my endoscopy yesterday afternoon. She didn't find any ulcers, thankfully, but did observe inflammation in my esophagus, stomach and small intestines. She took biopsies of all of them and I'm to call in a couple week to inquire about my results.

I have more problems with how this all went down than I want to even get into.

Ultimately, we still don't know what is going on. I sure hope the biopsies will provide some answers so that I can get to feeling better.

One thing is clear, I am an anxious person. Even though the procedure is common, and unlikely to create problems I've managed to worry about it extensively. I've been worried that I'm bleeding from the biopsies. I've been worried that they have punctured a hole somewhere along the line and food, water and bile is leaking into the stomach's cavity. I'm worried about my insurance deciding not to cover it. I'm worried about the problem persisting. The list does go on, but you get the idea.

My husband got an offer for that job in St. Louis on May 2nd. The pay wasn't good but the company is offering to pay our moving expenses. He started negotiating with them but his contact needed to check on some details with the corporate office and get back to him. That was on the 5th. Today is the 18th and except for an email apologizing for the slow response more than a week ago they still haven't gotten back to him. We went ahead and put in our notice, right away at the apartment complex as no matter what they counter we will be accepting and moving back. Because of this I canceled my appointment with my neuro here and was able to set something up with Dr Garza at Mayo. But now that appt is less than 3 weeks away and I will have to push it back. But the thing is, I really need to see him. Things have been changing and I need help.

I'm so stressed and frustrated that it is taking so long for these folks to get back to us. We're again in this torturous limbo. And it is not torturous because we have to wait, but because I have real issues that need to be addressed and the longer this goes on the longer I have to wait. What is going on with them that it takes this kind of time to work out the very small details that they are working on. Basically all they had to do was find out exactly what the policies are and communicate them to us. The negotiations are basically over, this is clarifying details only.

I'm tempted to keep my appt at Mayo and let my husband deal with the move if it comes to that. His parents are going to come out and help and we plan to hire some moving men to just load the truck as we are 3 stories up, I'm not much help and his parents are not young. They don't need me to help supervise the cross country caravan. Then I can drive down to St Louis once they arrive and help look for an apartment.

Between the frustration of this continued limbo and the blues and anxiety I'm feeling anyway I am having trouble mustering up much excitement about the move. No doubt I'm thrilled to be leaving northern Virginia and to be moving back to the midwest. I can't wait to be under the care of competent doctors and institutions. Being able to see family and friends more often is going to be really good for me. But I hear the lack of enthusiasm in my voice when I talk about it.

What to do?


  1. I'm so glad that your husband has been offered a job, and that you'll be able to move back to the midwest. I actually understand your anxiety with waiting for the company to respond and the prospect of moving... in somewhat the same situation, though we're just shy of an actual job offer.

    I had a colonoscopy and upper endoscopy a couple years ago, and it can be nerve-wracking. I hope you're able to find some peace, once the biopsy results come in.

    You have a lot going on right now, so I think it's normal to feel anxiety about it. You'll probably start to be more excited the more concrete plans you're able to make... it'll be more real. I'm happy for you guys!

  2. I recommend keeping your appointment with Mayo. You're health is priority and you'll be no good to anyone...including yourself if you are down and out with pain.

    Do you take anti anxiety meds?

    I had panic attacks with agoraphobia in my 20's. Now I just suffer with anxiety...which compared to the hell I used to live in is a piece of cake.

    I started off on Paxil for panic disorder....but when that problem seemed to resolve, I was switched to Prozac to also assist with pain control...not that it works. I'm actually weening off it...however I get nervous not to be on anything because i don't want my panic attacks to come back. I also take Xanax as needed for generalized anxiety and to help me sleep if I'm having bouts of insomnia.

    I know meds are scary...especially Paxil. I went through horrible withdrawal from it...however it literally saved my life.

  3. My heart goes out to you. It's not raining, but pouring in your life. When any one of those overwhelming matters happens, it's nere-wracking enough, but when several happen at once, it's an emotional tsunami.

    I, too, have suffered from extreme anxiety, and have found medication (for me, Cymbalta has been best) to be helpful. Being on medication made it so I could calm down enough to develop some anti-anxiety tools of my own - now I am on a very small dosage, which I really only stay on because it prevents one of the more annoying migraine symptoms.

    I have found Buddhism and Eckhart Tolle so very helpful in developing those tools I mentioned above. There truly is an amazing and life-giving wisdom in living simply in the now, at this moment, and letting the past go and the future be what it will. I am not saying this is easy - it is a spiritual journey, after all - but very much worth it. Especially for those of us who struggle with anxiety and the suffering that adds to our poor physical health.

    Peace to you,

  4. A big move is going to cause anxiety and stress regardless of how much you really want it. Having things up in the air a bit will naturally cause more. I think you will settle down once the plans are finalized and moving along.

    Your health is the most important thing. See the Mayo doc. Sometimes the pieces to the puzzle are scattered, and it takes putting them all together to figure out what the puzzle is. The puzzle being you, your body, and what's going on with it. You are still finding the pieces that make your puzzle. The doc will put them together for you, and solve the puzzle. I hope that makes sense.

    Medical procedures can be scary. We don't know what to expect to start with, and then they tell you the possible risks involved, and intensify the fear. The wait time for the results doesn't help either.

    Try to look on the positive side...that everything will be okay, and they will be able to give you a diagnosis from this.